Being 'nice' is Dangerous for the Social Imagination...

The Nice 'Dangerous' people...

People who are always nice tend to hold in negative emotions, often resulting in depression, anxiety, and addiction. Hence, those who are always nice may periodically act out or even collapse from exhaustion.

Avoiding the perils of niceness requires feeling one's genuine needs and wants, as well as actively setting boundaries. And yes, you’ve met them, I’ve met them, or you may be one of them: nice people.

They always give others the benefit of the doubt, are ready to give a hand, or volunteer for that task that no one wants. They’re sensitive to the feelings of others, easy to be around, and rarely if ever argue. 

What’s not to like? Not much, you say. But if you’re always the nice guy, if it’s your 24/7 public persona, there are often psychological dangers lurking below that friendly surface, a downside that can take its toll.  Here are the dangers of being ‘nice’. 

You’re that good, that laid-back all the time, really? Unless you’re on some major and highly effective medications, probably not. What always-nice people tend to do is internalize — hold in negative emotions that naturally rise up in the course of everyday life. The byproduct of these emotional crunches are often depression, anxiety, and addiction.

Periodic Acting Out

And if depression, anxiety, and addiction aren’t strong enough to keep those non-polite feelings at bay, you are likely at risk of acting out, through the one-night stand on a business trip, going on a binge, going into a hurricane-like rage at your kid, your dog, or your gentle, but always-absent-minded coworker. It seems to come out of nowhere, you feel terribly guilty, you apologize profusely, you promise never to do that ever again . . . until you do. Until the pressure builds up, and the right triggers set you off.

Self-Criticism

What goes a long way to being nice is that you're more likely to blame yourself than anyone else: It’s your fault, you should have known better, you did something that caused the other person to act the way they did, though you really have no idea what that may be. You have this critical, scolding drill-sergeant/parent voice coming at you all the time, looking over your shoulder, wagging its finger. Under such steady verbal abuse, you vow to try harder, not screw up and be even nicer, but whatever you do is never good enough; fault, mistakes, and incrimination is around every corner.

Resentment

A build-up of resentment can often fuel the acting out, but sometimes it’s just a slow and ever-present simmer that you internalize along with everything else. The resentment comes, because your niceness also comes with expectations — that others will appreciate your martyrish efforts or will follow your lead and be like you, always putting others first, stepping up, etc. — or expecting them to realize what you need and give it to you, even though you never say what those needs are.

Periodic Burnout

If you do all the heavy lifting all of the time, you are prone to periodic collapse. It may be exhaustion, or it may be getting sick or sinking into the depths of severe depression. The burnout may sideline you for a while, but once you recover, you're quickly back on duty.

Pre-Compromising in Relationships

Rather than clearly stating what you want at the start of a discussion with someone, you instead anticipate or assume what the other person would like, and then downshift your own demands before the conversation starts. Jane probably wouldn’t want to swap out my entire weekend shift, you say to yourself, so instead of asking if she can work the entire weekend for you, you ask her if she can do Saturday.

When you do this pre-compromising all the time in close relationships, you wind up never really getting what you want (though you fantasize that the other person will read your mind and offer it anyway), and instead only get watered-down versions that are “okay.” Over time, what you're left with is a watered-down life.

Appearing Controlling or Passive-Aggressive

Others, especially those closest to you, may see you as subtly controlling or passive-aggressive at times because you are. Your persona cracks a bit, and you put on subtle pressure or guilt to get your way, or you go along with something but then act in a passive-aggressive manner because your unhappiness leaks out.

Stale Relationships

Close relationships can lack depth. Between the pre-compromise and internalization, you never say what you truly want and feel, you're not being really honest and emotionally intimate. And if both partners are nice, the effects are multiplied, resulting in a no-conflict but superficial relationship.

Later-Life Regrets

That poor 100-year-old woman who regretted eating too many beans and not enough ice cream. That cartoon of the headstone that says, “Ate all that kale for nothing.” The watered-down life, the not being truly known, the millions of missed opportunities to do and get what you want instead of what others wanted can leave you with serious life regrets.

Does this mean you shouldn’t be nice?

Of course not. But there’s a difference between a values-driven life and an anxiety-driven one. A values-driven life comes out of your values; your core beliefs as an adult about how to be with others. You are kind and considerate and see that we are all struggling on this tiny dot of speck in the vast universe; you treat others the way you’d like to be treated. You do it not because you “should” or because you will feel guilty otherwise, but because it’s your life blueprint.

But along with this, you can say no, take care of yourself as well as others, be assertive and honest without being aggressive and hurtful. Life is win-win as much as possible.

The anxiety-driven life, on the other hand, makes being nice a way of managing anxiety. You learned to take a "nice" stance as a way of avoiding conflict and confrontation that you can’t tolerate, a stance that is “I’m happy if you’re happy,” meaning, "I do whatever I need to do to not get you disgruntled because you being upset makes me anxious." Here, you don’t say no; you don’t speak up and be honest and assertive because of your own fear. It’s less about a value of how to treat people and more a psychological flack-suit to protect you from what seems to be a scary world.

 

COMMENTARY ~ I agree with all of it. Why? Well, I even wonder why I should have to answer that question. It should be evident. However, if I must spell it out as to why being nice is dangerous in the social imagination... then I will. 

Stable society must be based on consistent logical rational argument/debate or at least local common sense that results in agreement about what is solidly good for society and what is not. That means people have to decide what is a woman and what is a man. What is good and what is evil. Stable society cannot be based on flimsy politically correct guesses or hunches just because YOU want to be NICE!!!!!!!

 

ADVICE - Better to be diplomatic when you have to ~ "Walk softly and carry a big stick..." Pres. Theodore Roosevelt.

 

 

 

 

 

*ONLINE SOURCES ~   https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201807/the-dangers-being-nice?fbclid=IwAR1LkyOBBtkSZEW0HfLgEh4vADpzvRNQZXke7a6d84S0m2XQIMRwTVGScbk

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/stop-being-nice-7-reasons-why-your-niceness-dangerous-alicia-mckay?fbclid=IwAR0fx24qwWP5DGxs1ej1Gn2IfzPAIqL2hFHz_vbVkPIrpFk

https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/the-bad-thing-about-nice-people-20120411-1wppr.html